Thinking..

What a day. I just sit here pretending like I have something to do. I have a lot of time to think today. about life, about the future, about the people around me, about the people I will meet, about my family, about my favorite things, about what I really want. But the last thing I want to do right now is think. I don't like sitting and thinking. I like doing or not doing. Ideas just come to me, they aren't a product of diligent concentration, but rather random spurts of genius from an unknown source. I keep myself busy so I don't have time to think, because its when I think that I usually mess things up. So for now I will continue sitting in my cubicle with nothing to do, avoiding my own surely destructive thoughts.

I'm still here

I'm still here.
Still breathing, heart still beating.
Still feeling everything,
Everything that you have caused me to feel.

I'm still here waiting,
Waiting for you.
I'm sitting here
watching, screaming, desperately wishing
For somebody, anybody
To show that they care.

Wants and needs

I used to get what I want,
But not this time.
 Now I'm dancing with him,
Knowing he should be you,
And you're all alone
Not knowing what to do.

He treats me like a princess,
Just the way I deserve.
Yet a pert of me yearns
To be beaten, betrayed and abused.

No matter how much it hurts,
Nor how hard I deny.
He will never be you
And you will never be mine.
You have broken your promise
For the last time.

Is it?

Is it love?
The flutter that goes through your stomach every time you meet eyes.
Is it love?
The way you think longingly of each other,
Even when you’re together?

If it is love would I even know?
Or would I be drowned in uncertainty?
How do I know if it’s truly love?
How do I know when I know?
Or do I already know?

I know the love that I feel for my dog,The way she runs and licks my face every time I see her.
I know I love my brother.
I am certain that I love my good friends,
They stick with me through it all.

If only I could be so sure about the love I may be feeling for him.
Is it love?
Or is it an inferior imitation?
Will it match the way I feel for my family,
Or will it surpass it completely?

Is it love?
Do I want it to be?
Do I know myself?
Perhaps I am the one holding my true feelings back,
Scared of what they really are.

Is it love?
I think I know the answer.
I am beginning to feel the truth.
I am am beginning to know my heart.

Sketch

Then the beautiful box of pain, the Pointe shoe, soars across the floor. One shoe racing its brother, dashing almost flying across the creamy floor. The shoe moves flexibly, it is strong and elegant, showing of its agile nature. It beats forcefully against the stage. Rapidly striking the firm surface with vigor. Now it extends gradually and exquisitely into the air, prolonging every moment with deliberate apprehension. It suspends for a moment in space, unwavering, as if it is a star in our galaxy. It elongates even further as is pulls away from its ally. Now it swiftly sweeps down gracefully brushing the ground as it passes by as it descends. It majestically rotates, far above the floor, as it completes its first full revolution then seems to spiral on forever.

I remember...

I remember a time when I was too young to know or care or know about adult problems.

I remember grandma giving me her old bread to feed the birds with, at the beach.
I remember all those days at the beach. Feeding the birds, grandpa would push me on the swings, Dad would let me bury him in the sand, mom would buy me fun dip from the snack shack, and grandma took me out in the water.

I remember when I was scared for my life.

I remember when I was a princess.

I remember the day I got a brother.

I remember my excitement at the smallest magical moment.

I remember 9/11. I remember the spirit that can be felt at ground zero, even today.

I remember a broken metatarsal breaking my dreams. I remember not letting that stop me.

I remember winning and winning again.

I remember feeling the stress and pressure, then the elation of when it all paid off.

I remember meeting my favorite celebrities.

I remember the best parties of my life.

I remember the worst fights.

I remember when I turned sixteen. I was in Disneyland acting like a six year old. It was one of the best days/weeks of my life.
I remember, just last night, dreaming about the future. What will I remember then?

Princess: Time to shine

Born in Cali, now stuck in Utah.

I was their little Disney Princess.
I got nearly everything I wanted.
Fun-dip with grandma on the beach.
visiting the happiest place on earth.

moving away to my new life.
Raising my baby brother, poor guy.
Bonding Struggling, making it through life.

Making my way through five schools.
Maturing, growing, and learning about myself.
Still a little princess at heart.

I found only one escape: Dance.
Hours of practice: blood, sweat, tears.
A few moments in the spotlight.

I turn my rain into rainbows.
Put it all in the past.
I put my best foot foreword.
Life's my performance, time to shine.

That's the story of my life.